I think I can safely say that most of us have a desire to love and be loved by someone we are intimate with. Many of us actually attain this goal, at least for a brief period of time. We feel attracted to someone. We desire to become intimate with that person. And, if we are lucky, we do become intimate with someone who feels the same way about us. However, this is where the fairytale often ends.
My first question is: Does the fairytale of desire, love, passion and intimacy have to inevitaby end? My second question is: If desire, love, passion and intimacy inevitably end, why does this happen? The third question is: Can love and intimacy coexist with desire and passion?
1. When we desire and feel passion for someone, it is our imagination, our fantasy feeding us thoughts and stimulating our hormones to flood our brain and body cells with the sense of urgency and need to be intimate with this person. Desire is often fueled by attraction, novelty, inaccessibility, obstruction, trials, tribulations, and difficulties.
2. Once we achieve our goal, become intimate, share our time, space, activites and feelings, and once we begin to feel safe, secure, relaxed and satisfied, our sense of passion and urgency often diminishes. In its place, we may start looking more carefully at the object of our desire, the very real person. Often, the special qualities that tantalized us at first become the thorns in our side that drive us crazy with annoyance, anger, irritation and even rage. What most of us call “love” is really a state of desire, passion and lust, a state of neediness brought on by the false illusion that this one person has and “should have” what it takes to satisfy all of our needs. Sometimes we compromise a bit and feel that we “love” someone who doesn’t meet some of our needs because they do meet some, perhaps more overriding, needs. But many of us will soon find, if the other person stops meeting our needs, we are quickly out of there, on to the next person who offers the promise of satisfying our needs. I might label this type of love ”Serial Need Fulfillment.”
3. So, can love and desire coexist? Yes, yes, yes. But creating the possibility for love and desire to both grow and expand, together, is not unlike creating a gourmet meal. Each of the ingredients must be mixed together in the correct proportions, at the perfect time and the appropriate temperatures, with just the right amount of added spices. In other words, creating a combination that heats up and transforms two separate individuals into one hot, spicy, delicious, flavorful and longlasting couple is a work of art in progress. The process has many starts and stops, twists and turns, and ups and downs. When you step into a relationship with a new person, you are stepping into uncharted territory. Together you create the map. You can add new shapes and designs, new territories to the map. You can find guides and mentors and lots of assistance when the terrain becomes impassible.
Remaining in a longlasting relationship, and managing to continually fuel passion and desire with love and intimacy, is not for the faint of heart. It is often difficult, you sometimes feel totally helpless and alone, and you may often want to give up and run away. But staying through the hard times, pressing on with vision, determination and lots of assistance from knowledgeable experts, can bring you to a state of internal and external pleasure and fulfillment that dreams are made of. Seek the help of a qualified sex therapist, marriage counselor or psychotherapist who can help you learn how to create love and desire in the same relationship, if that’s what you truly want.