Counseling and Therapy: No Quick Fix or Magic Dust by Dr. Erica Goodstone

Counseling and deeper therapy is not a quick fix. There is no magic dust that can be sprinkled over your body and your life to make it all better. We cannot just brush away your deep emotional wounds and years of emotional relationship baggage. So, if you have been struggling with a difficult relationship that is emotionally painful, even devastating, with lots of anger, drama, confusion, turmoil and intermittent upsets, maybe you could really benefit from some counseling sessions.

The first one or two counseling sessions might be interesting, enlightening, and create a sense of hope because you are briefly reviewing your past and then hopefully moving into your present and preparing for your future. The first one or two sessions often involve revealing your unique history: your early childhood upbringing, your previous relationships, education, career track, lifestyle, etc., etc. It may feel good talk about all that has happened to you, knowing that this person, this therapist, is listening intently to your entire story.

Many people start therapy enthusiastically, sharing their history willingly and anticipating a quick and painless solution to their lifelong problems and dilemmas. But there is no magic dust, no simple quick fix formula, no easy way out. If you believe you can bypass the past, the memories that are stored in your body cells, in your living tissues and even in your brain, then good luck to you. My experience reminds me over and over again that by ignoring the past and suppressing it, we cannot get past it or overcome it. On the other hand, if you keep dwelling on the past and blaming it for your current life dilemmas, that is another trap.

If you choose to go for therapy with a qualified and experienced therapist, then it behooves you to do the therapy the way the therapist organizes it. Otherwise, it’s like going to a financial expert and telling that person how you want to handle your money rather than listening to that person’s educated and experienced perspective and advice.

If you have been struggling with relationship problems or some other life issues that are keeping you up at night and causing you emotional pain and anguish, then it might be time to consult a therapist. But let the client beware. If you truly want to re-create your life, to change and overcome familiar patterns that are problematic, then realize that counseling and therapy may not be fun. During the first few weeks and months, you actually may feel as if you are on an emotional roller coaster. You may feel that you’ve gotten into something way over your head. You may touch on something significant in your early childhood and then make every possible excuse to ignore it and attempt to never think about it again.

Persistence, despite emerging emotional pain, self-reflection, and honest — from the heart — sharing, will yield long term benefits that you could not have possibly imagined before.

Love Makes the World Go Around — Where is Your World Going? by Erica Goodstone, Ph.D., LMHC, LMFT, Sex Therapist

So here you are, you met this wonderful new person.  Maybe at first you were resistant and the other person kept pursuing you.  Finally, their efforts paid off and you succumbed to their loving words and actions.  You thought you hit the jackpot, that you were finally getting the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

 

Suddenly, out of nowhere and for no apparent reason, the other person begins to back away, taking longer and longer to return your phone call, email and text messages.  At the same time, those wonderful words and loving actions seem to be replaced by a bit of snappiness, less personal attention, and an attitude of complacency or even disdain.

 

What happened, you wonder?  What did I do wrong?  What can I do to get this relationship back the way it was before, when this person adored me, constantly flattered me, gave me gifts, paid attention to me, and always showed love for me?

 

At this stage in the relationship, for whatever reason, the other person now has control and all you can do is weather the storm.

 

This is where self-confidence, self-esteem and self-love are essential for you to be able to make sense of what is happening and to maintain your own emotional stability.  Knowledge is also essential: knowledge and understanding about the way the world works, the laws of attraction, what creates passion and desire, and what it takes to sustain an intimate, loving relationship.  As the initial passion and idealistic view of another person wears off, one or both of you may begin to really look at the other person.  What you see now may be very different from what you thought you saw through the rose colored eyes of passion.

 

As your vision of the other person gains more clarity, you may not want to rock the boat by explaining your internal changes.  You may actually be pretending to remain the same — while inside, your thoughts and feelings have changed.  The other person usually can sense this change, but without the clarity that you are developing.  At this point, you may begin criticizing and finding fault with the other person. This is the point where unresolved childhood issues can glaringly block any further intimacy.

 

Relationships are complex and require a high level of self-awareness, interpersonal communication skills, and emotional balance to sustain love, affection, sexual passion and romance over a long period of time. If you believe you are ready for love, but realize that you are lacking some important skills, relationship counseling can help you in ways you probably cannot imagine.  Decide what you really want in your life and then seek out help rather than struggling all alone.  Love makes the world go around.  How do you want your world to be?

Relationships are Complex … by Erica Goodstone, Ph.D., LMHC, LMFT, Sex Therapist, Love and Relationship Therapist

When we develop a close friendship or an even closer intimate love relationship, we are often fooled into a sense that we can just be ourselves, let things flow, and everything will be all right.  Problem is, as we spend more time with another person, thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors occur that may trigger unexpected responses in either person.  If the emerging thoughts and feelings are not expressed openly, they begin to fill a sort of filing box in each person’s mind.

Everything seems to go along at the same pace.  Both people seem to be thinking alike and enjoying their time together.  One or both may be fooled into a state of complacency.  And then, one day, seemingly out of the clear blue sky, one person expresses a list of issues that have been festering for days, weeks, months or even years.

This is the point at which we have the ultimate power to make or break a relationship.  The words we say, the attitude we pervay, and the way we handle the other person’s list, can make that person feel heard, understood, acknowledged and love — or — threatened, ignored, invalidated and humiliated.

We cannot know what another person is really thinking or harboring in the recesses of their mind.  But once we are told, once their thoughts are out on the table in full view, we have a powerful choice and decision that can alter the course of this relationship – and sometimes – the rest of our life.

Counseling is invaluable at these precious choice points in life.  A good friend with some life wisdom and a supportive, listening ear, may be all that is required.  Sometimes, we ought to turn to a professional to receive some educated, experienced input, suggestions and evaluations.