Male Sexual Desire – Suppressed by Lap Dances? by Dr. Erica Goodstone

Why do some men spend many evenings away from home and exhorbitant sums of money at strip clubs, watching dance performances and receiving lap dances?  If a man is single, without a current intimate relationship, perhaps this fulfills his need for sexual arousal.  But what about a man who claims he “loves” his wife or girlfriend, a man who has a family, a home and a lifestyle that other people might envy.  What draws a man to these adult clubs and what keeps him there?

A married man might respond,  “I’m attracted to my wife, but she expects me to “perform” for her or she expects me to always initiate sex. She thinks I don’t desire her because I have not been so interested in being intimate with her lately.  Truth is, I’m sometimes afraid of her.  She expects me to always be ready and to satisfy her.”  Perhaps his wife has been paying less attention to him or she has been neglecting her own appearance which has affected his desire for her.  Maybe she really doesn’t enjoy sex with him or because of a problem of her own.

 

A single man might say, “Meeting and connecting with a woman is difficult.  There is this whole process you have to go through and so much uncertainty.  You spend time and money and she may say at the end of the night that she’s involved with someone else and not interested.

 

So what is it about strip clubs, strippers and lap dances that causes some men to eagerly return for more while neglecting his readily available partner if he has one? A typical male response might be:  “At the dance clubs, I can relax, be myself, have a few drinks, listen to music and watch some beautiful bodies moving slowly, seducing me into a state of arousal.  I might invite one of these beautiful young ladies to my table.  She might smile at me, perhaps touching my arm, or whispering something seductive into my ear. She might call me honey or baby, offering to make me feel good if I want to dance with her.”

 

What do strippers and exotic dancers do that men are craving but not receiving at home?  First, the man is totally receiving.  There is nothing he has to do but be there. Second, the exotic dancer’s goal is to stimulate the man, tease him, act as if he is a master at arousing her, and to continually promise him greater and greater pleasure.

 

The truth about exotic dancers is that they are working in a business, the business to sell sexual arousal and enhance desire, to keep customers coming back for more.  The girl is working to earn money and behind their smiles, erotice movements and seductive words, many of these women actually feel disgust for men or at best are somewhat neutral.

 

The man who frequents strip clubs is getting his own narcissistic needs met for attention, arousal, stimulation and praise.  He is actually depriving himself of the opportunity for true intimacy, closeness, communication and unraveling of his deepest childhood fears and insecurities.   Also, by receiving such immediate excitement and sensual arousal in such a supercharged environment, he may actually be suppressing his ability to feel aroused in a situation in the outside world with a partner he really cares about.

 

Intimacy and love are not easy commodities to attain.  They require skill, patience, understanding, honest communication, and most of all, the willingness to do what it takes to know your own self and to know your partner.  It also takes both people in a relationship to bring out the best in each other, including desire, arousal and love. 

Fortunately, there are still many men who enjoy sharing their time, their love, and their sexual intimacy with a real woman with real needs in the real world. 

If you or your man is caught up in the treadmill of frequenting exotic clubs, all many not be lost.  Bringing it all out into the open, with the help of a skilled therapist and support groups, can actually transform your relatinoship into something you may never have thought possible.  Isn’t it worth trying?

Tags: Boca Raton Counseling, Boca Raton Love Relationships, Boca Raton Psychotherapy, Sex Therapist Boca Raton