Love Vs Hate — How much Love can We Share to Eliminate Hate? by Dr. Erica Goodstone

A coordinated, mastermind collaborative effort to attack, damage, destroy and kill in India.  My first glimpse of this horrifying event was on AOL, in a moment when I was peacefully checking and responding to emails from around the world.  I sat there with my mouth open and tears in my eyes as I watched the horror of those attacks in India. I kept imagining what it must be like to be enjoying a lovely dinner or walking through the lobby or sitting contentedly near the swimming pool, sipping a cocktail. And then, in an instant, death and destruction all around, blood, screaming, pain.

 

For what reason? Why are these people so intent on destruction rather than creation, separation rather than oneness? What has to happen for a loving consciousness to enter that part of the world and that sect of humanity?

 

Is there anything we can do, right here, right now, to alter the consciousness of a growing sect of hatred indoctrinated people?  Can we raise our own consciousness to a high enough level that the energy of love and creation pours forth into their consciousness?  Is there enough power in thought and prayer and love to dissipate and eliminate hatred?

 

Let’s start with out own personal surroundings – the people, places, animals and activities – and send love and appreciation for what we have and what we can touch with our eyes, ears, hands and hearts.  Now is the time to pray for those we love, those we fear, those who hurt us and those who want to destroy us.  Everyone needs love in their heart.  Hatred is merely the absence of love.  How can we share our love so powerfully that we help everyone to get back to love?

 

Cheating – Why are so Many Relationships Affected by it? by Erica Goodstone, Ph.D., LMHC, LPC, LMFT

 Why are so many of us so concerned about cheating?  What is cheating anyway?  Perhaps we are somewhat complicit and even more at fault than we realize.  A brief Webster’s dictionary definition of cheating is: to swindle, to defraud or to be dishonest.

 

Is an intimate partner in an ongoing relationship with you purposely and maliciously swindling you if he or she chooses to get unmet needs (emotional and physical) met in the arms of another willing partner?  Is your intimate partner purposely defrauding you when he or she lies about whereabouts and activities when not with you?

 

Some people in relationships hold extremely tight reigns on the person they supposedly love.  They might truly believe that their partner “belongs to them” and must be loyal and connected first and foremost and only to them.  The partner of a person with such strong dependency needs can feel smothered, stifled and emotionally and physically handcuffed.  This unsuspecting partner can feel as if he or she is in a living prison and may not know how to escape.  Then some attractive person pays attention, listens with open arms and an open heart.  This person may end up cheating.

 

Many people in relationships tend to ignore their partner’s subtle requests until the partner either makes it blatantly clear by becoming silent, enraged, screaming, or even resorting to physical violence.  People reach out to their partner for specific reasons and to get certain needs met, e.g.,  affection, a listening ear, assistance with a task or problem, financial assistance, understanding, advice, privacy, or time and space just to be alone with their own thoughts and activities.

 

Okay, you are probably thinking, sure there are people who stifle their partner or ignore their partner’s requests, actually almost pushing their partners into someone else’s arms.  But aren’t there some people who purposely and deviously cheat, even when their partner is loving, understanding and allows them all the space they want?

 

This is where intimacy enters the picture.  In an intimate love relationship, you are continually learning about your partner.  You ask questions about their life.  You are concerned about the issues that affect them.  You know something about their early childhood upbringing and the ways they might have learned to deal with relationships and cope with stress.

 

Intimate relationships are not magical fairytales.  In those beginning days and weeks of “limerance,” when your hormones are flowing and both of you can do no wrong, let that be a memory to fall back on when the fairytale falters and you are both facing a real, live human being, one with good qualities, unproductive qualities, and downright destructive personality traits.

 

Cheating can often be prevented.  Cheating and its consequences can also often be overcome with a lot of communication, soul searching and re-commitment to creating the love you once believed in.  Are you up to the task?

 

 

Counseling and Therapy: No Quick Fix or Magic Dust by Dr. Erica Goodstone

Counseling and deeper therapy is not a quick fix. There is no magic dust that can be sprinkled over your body and your life to make it all better. We cannot just brush away your deep emotional wounds and years of emotional relationship baggage. So, if you have been struggling with a difficult relationship that is emotionally painful, even devastating, with lots of anger, drama, confusion, turmoil and intermittent upsets, maybe you could really benefit from some counseling sessions.

The first one or two counseling sessions might be interesting, enlightening, and create a sense of hope because you are briefly reviewing your past and then hopefully moving into your present and preparing for your future. The first one or two sessions often involve revealing your unique history: your early childhood upbringing, your previous relationships, education, career track, lifestyle, etc., etc. It may feel good talk about all that has happened to you, knowing that this person, this therapist, is listening intently to your entire story.

Many people start therapy enthusiastically, sharing their history willingly and anticipating a quick and painless solution to their lifelong problems and dilemmas. But there is no magic dust, no simple quick fix formula, no easy way out. If you believe you can bypass the past, the memories that are stored in your body cells, in your living tissues and even in your brain, then good luck to you. My experience reminds me over and over again that by ignoring the past and suppressing it, we cannot get past it or overcome it. On the other hand, if you keep dwelling on the past and blaming it for your current life dilemmas, that is another trap.

If you choose to go for therapy with a qualified and experienced therapist, then it behooves you to do the therapy the way the therapist organizes it. Otherwise, it’s like going to a financial expert and telling that person how you want to handle your money rather than listening to that person’s educated and experienced perspective and advice.

If you have been struggling with relationship problems or some other life issues that are keeping you up at night and causing you emotional pain and anguish, then it might be time to consult a therapist. But let the client beware. If you truly want to re-create your life, to change and overcome familiar patterns that are problematic, then realize that counseling and therapy may not be fun. During the first few weeks and months, you actually may feel as if you are on an emotional roller coaster. You may feel that you’ve gotten into something way over your head. You may touch on something significant in your early childhood and then make every possible excuse to ignore it and attempt to never think about it again.

Persistence, despite emerging emotional pain, self-reflection, and honest — from the heart — sharing, will yield long term benefits that you could not have possibly imagined before.

Veterans with PTSD May Have Intimacy Problems by Erica Goodstone, Ph.D., LMHC, LMFT, LPC

A Rand Corporation telephone survey of 1,965 former soldiers found at least 14% were suffering from PTSD and another 14% had major depression.  Lisa Jaycox, Ph.D., author of the RAND report called “Invisible Wounds of War: Summary of Key Findings on Psychological and Cognitive Injuries, discovered that veterans are not receiving adequate medical and psychological attention and treatment.  If left undiagnosed, untreated, or inadequately treated, the long lasting effects can be devastating for the veterans and their families, coworkers and friends.

 

PTSD affects veterans both physically and cognitively.  They may have sweaty palms, heart palpitations, and feel jittery and ill at ease.  They may also have difficulty communicating with family members and intimate partners about their thoughts, feelings and the traumatic experiences they lived through.

 

Cognitive behavior therapy, anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications, as well as healing touch therapy and the mind-body awareness that comes from body psychotherapy, are all methods that can be used to assist veterans to overcome the initial stages of PTSD.  As the treatment progresses and PTSD symptoms start to decline, veterans can begin to reorganize their brains and their relationships.  Couples therapy, marriage counseling, and even group therapeutic situations can help veterans return to civilian life with traumatic memories receding and current (more pleasant and relational) memories forming in the forefront of their brains.

 

 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – Is Someone You Know Suffering from PTSD? by Erica Goodstone, Ph.D., LMHC, LMFT, LPC

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a common problem for many people in this society.  Nearly 7.7 million Americans have the symptoms of PTSD at any given time.  Many of the PTSD sufferers have never been in an actual war zone, but PTSD has no borders.  Traumatic experiences and its devastating aftereffects can happen anywhere, sometimes in the most unlikely places, e.g., in your own home or with someone you know and trust.

 

Signs and Symptoms of PTSD

 

How do you know if you are experiencing PTSD?  What are the common signs and symptoms?  These symptoms often resemble other psychiatric diagnoses.  It is important to consult with a professional counselor, psychotherapist or physician to get an accurate diagnosis and receive appropriate treatment.

 

·                 easily startled, jittery, or a sense of being “on guard”

·                 feeling detached and distant from people, numb, and unable to be affectionate

·                 sleep problems, nightmares, sexual problems, or an inability to relax

·                 depression and loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities

·                 feeling irritable, easily angered, more aggressive than before, even violent

·                 difficulties with working or socializing

·                 flashbacks or intrusive images (sounds, smells, feelings reminiscent of the traumatic event)

·                 reliving the event for moments or even hours

·                 avoiding places and situations that bring back memories of the trauma

·                 survivor guilt: feeling guilty that others have died and you have lived

If you or someone close to you is exhibiting 3 or more of the above symptoms, that may be a sign of PTSD.  Contact a local psychotherapist or physician who has training and knowledge in dealing with this overwhelming problem to get an accurate diagnosis, to rule out other diseases or brain disorders that may exhibit similar symptoms.  Work with a qualified and experienced body psychotherapist (someone skilled in working with mind/body interactions, someone who can help you to express, release and overcome traumatic memories).  There is a life after PTSD.  Go for it.